Thursday, January 5, 2012

My 6 Month Thoughts

Wow my baby girl would have been 6 months this month. weird....
I feel like a 6 month baby is a huge mile stone, they are usually on a schedule, they are starting to interact, smiling and making cute noises...I want all that... I am jealous of all those who have it. I'm jealous of the joy a baby brings to life. I am jealous of those that don't know this pain.

I absolutely hate the emptiness that I feel. I look at pictures of when i was pregnant,
and ask "WHO is that girl?" I look happy, innocent, full of life, and so excited for the life ahead.
Now when I see pictures of me I see so much pain in my eyes. Maybe thats why some people don't talk to me anymore, I look too sad... uhgh and i'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry that people have to be careful around me, I hate that too. My friends and cousins are having babies, i'm excited for them, i am hopeful that they will have a good outcome, and i am happy for them! I know they are sad for me and they are being careful around me. I hate that!

I want all to know that this is how I feel about pregnant women, delivery and babies.

I am happy for you!
I had a great pregnancy!  I would love to talk about my experience, what made me nauseous, what I craved, how she moved, how I never went into labor ughhgh, and to ALWAYS know that we have a motherlys instinct!!
I had a great delivery, I love talking about it!
I gave birth to a beautiful girl.
I want to hold MY IzzyJane, so if I don't want to hold your baby, be understanding. Its hard to hold a baby when I can't touch, see, or even smell izzy! TOO much pain.
But I do want to see you and your baby! It's hard but thats the way it is. I know that!
I honestly don't like the sounds of a crying baby. It's a noise I never heard coming out of Izzy, and that is painfully excruciating.
I don't mind you complaining about the hard things that come to being a mom, cause lets be honest i'm sure its an adjustment. But just know i would die to have any hard thing that comes with a baby.
If you let me complain about my baby belly fat or even saggy boobs,  i'll let you complain about it too. I think women's bodies should go back to normal after all the sacrifice we go through!

I am writing these things because I want people to know where i stand so your not awkward with me and you know that i am TRULY happy for you! If you can't handle my thought about this that's ok, i understand. I hope one day I will be able to have a "normal" experience where people will want to talk about my experience cause hopefully my next baby will be breathing, crying, and pooping! I will always compare IzzyJane to my other pregnancies. She is all of me just like your babies are all of you! She will always be in my thoughts, she is apart of my family. She has a nursery waiting for her other siblings to take over her bed, clothes, diapers, binkies, etc etc.

she is my first and I love every moment of who we were together, and now, who we are apart....

What it boils down too is that I HATE THIS and I'm trying to be "normal" but it's hard to navigate through this mess!

What I do love is that I have an angel who is helping me give back to others and I have more awearness of others.

IZ IS and that IS Love beauty and healing! Thanks IZzy for making me awaken to beauty!


  1. You wrote the exact words of how I feel. I just lost my first baby in oct. Thanks for sharing :)

  2. Molly, Thank-you for sharing your thoughts about what is going on with you after 6 months without Izzy Jane. I don't feel uncomfortable around you at all. In some ways I feel I can relate to some of your feelings. I loved talking to you at the Jensen Family Picnic and sharing what it was like not to be able to get pregnant. That was the most difficult part of my life. Watching friends and family having babies and me, wanting to be a mother sooo much, not being able to have one. I never thought I could survive being married 6 years before becoming a mother through adoption. My hope and prayer for you is that you will be able to get pregnant again as soon as possible and that you will have a healthy, happy, baby. Motherhood is the hardest job in the world but also the most rewarding. Feel free to call me anytime. Love to you and Danny, Eileen (your aunt)

  3. Oh sweet Molly, you are amazing! I can only imagine how you must feel as I wonder what it would be like to be going through this with my first born little Isabel and my heart just crumbles in a million pieces. Thank you for being so honest with your feelings, I am sure that must be hard too! I know you will one day experience all the blessings that come with raising children, pooping included:) Every time I see you, I don't see the sadness you see. I see someone who is so strong and faithful in her beliefs. You will see her again, and that can help bring joy to you.

    Don't feel bad for all the hard things you are going through, all we need to do is be understanding. Please don't feel like anyone is judging you, we can only try and imagine what you must be feeling, so just keep on keeping on and know that we all think you are fabulous!

  4. This IZ honesty. Refreshing, eye opening, brutally honest. People need to know what your thoughts are, how you and Danny feel, what this experience means to you. Your little family has touched lives, opened hearts, shared pain and given hope. It is beautiful. Iz is beautiful - her mom and dad have the courage to share the heartbreak, heartache and loss, but also the tender kindnesses, the service and the love of family and friends. Your service, because of baby Izzy and flutterby, has helped carry others burdens, shared the pain and eased the loss of these sweet angel babies, and reminded us that we are here to help each other get through lifes sorrows and share the tears that come with these challenges. I can just see IzzyJane pointing at you both from heaven and saying, "That's MY Mom and Dad!" I love you all!

  5. Thank you for your truth through your words. My little guy passed away a few days after he was born. I should not complain, I was able to see him and bask in his sweet spirit. It is so difficult. I have decided that I don't care if people don't want to hear about my own experience. It happened, and it is who I am, so I am glad you are doing what you do!