Tuesday, July 26, 2011

IzzyJanes Stillbirth Story

My Sweet baby girl IzzyJane 
You came into this world "sleeping"

You were born with a silent heart, while mine is trying to keep beating. 
You and I were a team for 41 weeks, and it came to end way to soon. 
We went in to the doctors thinking we would get to take you home with us, that was until we found out that your heart was no longer beating. 
We will always wonder why it turned out this way, because I know you miss me as much as I miss you! We might toss and turn, trying to figure it out why an umbilical cord can create a life, and then take it away, but I do know that there are no answers cause you are perfectly beautiful. Your spirit gave me purpose in life and I was so scared to have you come out of me and not have your spirit there. Your Dad was our savior, our strength, without him I don't know if i could have done it. I will always wonder why they didn't induce me at 40 weeks when we were still together. 
When they did induce me I was in labor for 7 hours, our whole family was there trying to make me laugh, yet we were all breaking. Aunt Katie got inspired and bought us matching "Forever" bracelets. I wear mine everyday, as do you, You will forever be mine and I yours! 
Then it came time to deliver you, I was crying knowing that you already been delivered into the hands of God. I had dreamt about this moment every night and now it was so real yet so far gone to know that I wouldn't hear your cries made my cries louder.
I some how got power and strength and was able to push you into the world. Words cannot even describe what a miracle giving birth is, it only took 30 minutes and then you were all mine to hold, to smell, and to see. I know you were with us in spirit, but oh IzzyJane, I wished a miracle could have brought you back to me! 
Your body was so warm, your body was perfect, your face was absolutely gorgeous, your hands and feet were so precious! 
I watched dad weigh you, and I was shocked that you weighed only 6lb 6oz because you looked so full and plump, yet you were so long and skinny. I guess you get both from me, a little plump but long! 
The nurses were amazing, and set up a photographer to come and take pictures of our family.
It was a spiritual moment, knowing we are a family yet your spirit is with our heavenly father. 
We then had our family come in to greet you, the love that we all have for you is indescribable. We all took turns examining you, all is awe that you were created inside of me and so perfect. 

You are truly a gift from God. 

We got to have you all night, and the next day. we couldn't sleep, yearning for these moments that we weren't going to take home with us. 
I cuddled you, held your hand, feeling how sweet your spirit is and holding on to every scent! 
Dad took pictures of you all night, holding you on his chest, weeping. 
We even cut some of your long brown hair!

The next day we didn't wake up from this nightmare, and the hours were slipping by so fast, I couldn't bare to leave you. How could a mother and father leave their child? It was unbearable, even though we know you were with us. 
We dressed you, swaddled you, and handed you to the nurse, and walked away empty. Ohhh how I dreamt of this all being different and the only hope I have is that I can do it all again. I now go through  the days without you, yearning for you. I visit your resting place daily (as your cousin London calls it, Izzy's Palace) and I feel you close, but it will never be the same without you!
 You are my Joy,  you are my light.
I will always feel a longing to hold you, hear you, see you, but I do know you are holding me, listening to me and watching over me. When I smile, I can see your smile, when I cry I know you are catching my tears, and when I talk to you I know you are listening. You will forever be mine!
I love you more than words can express. 
Love your momma