Thursday, January 5, 2012
Wow my baby girl would have been 6 months this month. weird....
I feel like a 6 month baby is a huge mile stone, they are usually on a schedule, they are starting to interact, smiling and making cute noises...I want all that... I am jealous of all those who have it. I'm jealous of the joy a baby brings to life. I am jealous of those that don't know this pain.
I absolutely hate the emptiness that I feel. I look at pictures of when i was pregnant,
and ask "WHO is that girl?" I look happy, innocent, full of life, and so excited for the life ahead.
Now when I see pictures of me I see so much pain in my eyes. Maybe thats why some people don't talk to me anymore, I look too sad... uhgh and i'm sorry for that.
I'm sorry that people have to be careful around me, I hate that too. My friends and cousins are having babies, i'm excited for them, i am hopeful that they will have a good outcome, and i am happy for them! I know they are sad for me and they are being careful around me. I hate that!
I want all to know that this is how I feel about pregnant women, delivery and babies.
I am happy for you!
I had a great pregnancy! I would love to talk about my experience, what made me nauseous, what I craved, how she moved, how I never went into labor ughhgh, and to ALWAYS know that we have a motherlys instinct!!
I had a great delivery, I love talking about it!
I gave birth to a beautiful girl.
I want to hold MY IzzyJane, so if I don't want to hold your baby, be understanding. Its hard to hold a baby when I can't touch, see, or even smell izzy! TOO much pain.
But I do want to see you and your baby! It's hard but thats the way it is. I know that!
I honestly don't like the sounds of a crying baby. It's a noise I never heard coming out of Izzy, and that is painfully excruciating.
I don't mind you complaining about the hard things that come to being a mom, cause lets be honest i'm sure its an adjustment. But just know i would die to have any hard thing that comes with a baby.
If you let me complain about my baby belly fat or even saggy boobs, i'll let you complain about it too. I think women's bodies should go back to normal after all the sacrifice we go through!
I am writing these things because I want people to know where i stand so your not awkward with me and you know that i am TRULY happy for you! If you can't handle my thought about this that's ok, i understand. I hope one day I will be able to have a "normal" experience where people will want to talk about my experience cause hopefully my next baby will be breathing, crying, and pooping! I will always compare IzzyJane to my other pregnancies. She is all of me just like your babies are all of you! She will always be in my thoughts, she is apart of my family. She has a nursery waiting for her other siblings to take over her bed, clothes, diapers, binkies, etc etc.
she is my first and I love every moment of who we were together, and now, who we are apart....
What it boils down too is that I HATE THIS and I'm trying to be "normal" but it's hard to navigate through this mess!
What I do love is that I have an angel who is helping me give back to others and I have more awearness of others.
IZ IS and that IS Love beauty and healing! Thanks IZzy for making me awaken to beauty!